i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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