I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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