it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
