Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
