Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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