i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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