Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
