i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
