there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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