I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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