Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
