I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize