So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
She told me I should be a condom model.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
