We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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