a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
