i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
