Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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