I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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