nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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