if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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