Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
