Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
