What a fucking waste of an outfit
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
