I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
