we have officially lost it.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
