I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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