but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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