I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
