You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
someone owes me an orgasm
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
