I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
