its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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