I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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