My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
