I think i peed on brittanys purse
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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