i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize