If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
