I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
