Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
