how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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