I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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