I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
