Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Randomize
