the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
