Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
jump out the window naked night went bad
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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