You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
