Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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