His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
