you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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