Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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