I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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