I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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