i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize