did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
