i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
