FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
