I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
