Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just had sex on a roof
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
