I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
