we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
