Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
