Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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