Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
