I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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