a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
